Saturday, April 10, 2010

LIFE TRANSITIONS

I think the computer, and the offending software has been remedied!  I sure hope so, although, there may be a few settings I may need to change as I come across them.....................................................................

I am in transition - I know don't where I am going tho.   I have options - just not sure which one of those options is going to play out at this point.  I'm a Capricorn.  I really am - and this cappy does not like being in limbo - some limbo, an exploration of sorts is ok - but not when I thought I had something figured out and then find out, I can't do that - well ok, but I'm just not sure where I'm going to end up - either across town or in a whole 'nother state!
However, I decided I want to share some things with the world out there - and I see even while I was off here I gained another follower, and I don't think I actually lost any - at least on here - so thank you! I was going to just address my current limbo - but some background info is sometimes a good thing. 
1989 - I was 36, divorced & 2 kids, and then eventually living with a man that I loved, and worked with.  Then, I was in a car accident - hit from behind - both kids seemed to be ok - they were both still so small, they were in car seats in the back seat of my bug - me, I had whiplash for the 2nd, 3rd, I don't know maybe the 5th time in my life.   It put me out of work for a while - and the man, he ended up moving to Texas because of his job,  we eventually split up.  I was still out of work - and on assistance - and then I realized I was in the perfect situation to go to school, and that's what I did.
1990 - enrolled in the community college with a full course of the basic required courses - went to school for one year - took off the next and worked part time for myself - went back to school, I started out with the idea of going into Occupational Therapy - well, the university here didn't have an occupational therapy program at the time, (but was working on it) then thought about Art Therapy - yeah you guessed it, it didn't have that either.  (again, they were working on it) Limbo!
One of the classes I took my very 1st semester was Small Group Communications - I fell in love with the teacher and the whole idea of really purposeful communication and all the ideas that went along with it - I took at least one communication class a semester or year for most of my remaining time in school.  After tossing around a few other ideas, I finally decided to go into Elementary Education.  Then I put my own limbo into action.   I entered into the BUS program (bachelor of university studies) with a concentration in art (drawing & painting), communications, and pshycology.   I didn't have a clue what I was going to do with it - but somehow had this trust in the universe that I would get where I was supposed to be.   Due to things with my children, my dad, my own health, I eventually started enrolling for 3 classes instead of 4, sometimes, just 2 depending on what was going on with everyone.   I graduated May 1999 in the top 2% of my class, a member of the Golden Key club, and a 4.gpa.  This from the person who basically  flunked her way through high school.  I started working part time my last year of school in a dept at the university doing a major web page developement.    But, I was graduating, the job was for a student employee.   They wanted to keep me, I wanted to keep doing it, so they made it into a real job, and after going through the actuall process of applying for the job along with people who were more technically qualified, I got hired. I got hired because of the art background.  The manager of the dept at the time figured it would be much easier to train someone to use the software to do the web pages than it would be to train a techy person aesthetics.  I had the art background and had already been doing the job for a year.  It was a perfect job for me, I got to use my design and artistic side, and the logic side of my brain.  This web site was much more than one page - it's huge and I built it from the bottom up - or maybe that's from the top down.   I got to keep learning new things, and most of the classes were paid for by the dept or by using $ I got for school from the school.  Most of the time, the classes were during work hours.  not bad.  Eventually, I got into teaching (evenings) I was teaching two different classes on a contract basis (along with my regular full time job) - teaching paid much better - and I was able to catch up on all my bills and actually had started putting money in savings toward buying a house.   I still had enough energy when I got home from work, I painted. 
2000 - summer - July, I think.  I was sitting at my desk, and could not stay awake.  I didn't have anything else really going on - no sniffles, no headache, my knee hurt - my left knee has been injured numerous times - but really not much going on - I had been feeling pretty good, life was good, I was swimming several times a week, exercising in the gym several times a week.   Somehow, I made it home, and went to bed, that was on Monday, I do remember that.  I finally made it back to work on Frid for part of the day.  I slept most of the time - and that's all I wanted to do - sleep.  Within a few weeks, most of my body - from my neck down to my feet was in extreme pain.  And I could not wake up most days.  My alarm would go off for minutes, it would wake up my daughter in the next room, but it wouldn't wake me up.  She would come in, shut off my alarm,  try to wake me up - I would not wake up - by Oct I was on medical leave - thinking that with some rest, I could go back to work in a few months. 
Jan 2001 - I resigned from my job - both jobs.  Diagnosis:  Severe intractable fibromyalgia. (think that's what my dr wrote) Pretty scarey.  I now had an adorable grandson, and my daughter to support.  My son had been living with his dad for a number of years by now.  We moved - quickly into HUD subsidized housing and I applied for Sec 8, disability, food stamps, and any other kind of assistance and help that was available.  My daughter started working part time at a grocery store as a bagger, and later for one my fav craft stores.  Although, in a lot of pain, I could manage to take care of my infant grandson for 4 -5 hours, and I had help coming in to help me with cleaning, and cooking for me, and helping to take care of me.  Eventually, we managed without her working and enrolled her in the community college (at 16) - I really wanted her in school more than working.
2002 - I moved into the apt complex where I still live.  My daughter and grandson moved into their own apt.   Outside - hot tub - the lady working for me would take me over there in my wheel chair - I started out exercising for 5 minutes every other day.  I was exhausted with just that.  After a few weeks, I was able to start slowly adding time and excercises to it.
Numerous physical therapy sessions for my back, the fibro, plantar fasciitis, plantar fasciitis surgery,  thousands of trigger point injections,  cortisone epidurals,  changing meds, almost dieing twice - somehow, I'm better.  The fibro is better - but I have osteoporosis, at least 6 (probably 8 or more) herniated discs, arthritis in most joints, GERD, and I cannot take prednisone or any form or cortisone without it playing havoc with my body.  I cannot take anti-inflammatory meds (NSAID'S)- they play havoc with my stomach. 
I am mostly sleep deprived these days - mostly because of the noise around me - and so - this is prompting my next transition - I have to get out of here - I wanted to move to an adult complex that has 2 nicely heated indoor pools - but they no longer take sec 8!!!! and then my daughter says - mom - how about you move up here - well, not sure that up there is absorbing sec 8.   there are options - I just don't know which one is going to happen yet -
anyway - I am working on going through my belongings.  I have a lot.  I have spent the past 6 years or so, buying things that I think I can do to sell to earn a little extra money or to give as gifts.  I have a lot of material - and now it's hard for me to sit and sew for very long. I have a lot of ornaments, those I can sit and do - but they don't really sell very well, the stained glass - well, it's sort of like the sewing - I can be up doing that for just so long before my back just won't tolerate it any longer.   I can only sit at the computer for so long - and then my back just won't tolerate it any longer.  I can only be up and around for so long, going through stuff, boxing it up and then I just have plant myself on the couch.   I often lose my balance.  When I 1st stand up after sitting I have to just stand for a minute before I can move -
I don't know what to get rid of.  do I get rid of all the little stuff and take the reasonably good furniture with me, do I get rid of most of the furniture and take all the material, yarn, glass, ornaments, ......................and the hard part, I live in a gated complex so having yard sales to the outside world is made a bit tricky.  some of it will go up for sale at some ridicously low prices in one of  my shops - soon I hope, I need to get pictures, but right now, it's all in boxes! 
This is not to elicite sympathy, but more of an explanation, I messed up on my last two orders, and I refused to  send out an order ( a very nice order) because I didn't like sending $150.00 worth of my handpainted ornaments out to someone and have them just left on the porch without a signature confirmation.  My daughter and grandchilren were here for about 10 wonderful days - then my computer went wacky!   It is in some respects an offer of hope to some degree for people with fibro - it does usually get better - and mine was really severe - sometimes, I get angry, sometimes I get sad - I feel like I lost almost 10 years of my life - I have refused to have pictures taken of me - those ads you see of people with fibro on TV - well, they look good, I look like I aged 10 years in one year after I got so sick.  I honestly believe I have been dealing with this horrid disease since my early 20's.  Not in the same way, but I really believe it's all been a part of the same thing.    I don't remember things, my brain still doesn't function as well as it used to, it's better, but not the same.  I have a hard time thinking of words, I have a  hard time spelling ( and I was very good at spelling), I try to write things -  it takes me 20 words to say something that could probably be said in 5 or 10 if I could think of the right word.  I have to go back through everything I write at least twice to make sure I got all the typos, put in left out words, take out extra words - I have an appointment the 1st part of May with someone to start exploring ways to get my brain functioning better.   I hope I can find an apartment with a very warm indoor pool so I can start swimming and maybe get my body functioning better.   
I could go on and on - but the back is "talking" to me and I need to try to get some sleep - you're comments are most welcome, and I appreciate it so very much if you have managed to make it through all this dribble.

Just one more thing - - I am now on day 5 - of nothing to smoke! I had my last cigarette Monday afternoon.  I have to celebrate every day I go without one - sometimes I have to celebrate every moment I go without one - because I frequently want one!
Have a wonderful day and a great weekend.















3 comments:

Felicia Kramer said...

Wow - what a story! My heart goes out to you, Kris. Wishing and praying that all will go well and you are on the upswing with everything.

BTW - quitting smoking IS possible. I quit after 25 years of 2 packs/day and never regreted it. IMHO, the key is to get the head ("you're way better off without it") to over-rule the heart ("but I NEED it - it's my friend") - that'll do it. Good luck to you.

lisianblue said...

lololo smoking is not my friend - cigs have never been my friend - not sure how and when people started referring to cigarettes as friends - no, my body has been addicted to the things for 40+ years. I am on day 9 now - and my body is going through some amazing changes - I think things are on the upswing - somehow!!! Thanks for stopping by Felicia!!!

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