Sunday, April 18, 2010

AND JUST WHEN I THOUGHT........................

...........I was through the worst of it on day 4 of being off the patch - and day 11 of nothing to smoke - I woke up feeling like a million little claws went skipping through my mouth and throat - I'm still needing to go to a large store to get a bunch of cat food and a few other things so I'm not spending so much $ on cat food every other day at my local Walgreens.   Between the lack of energy and just generally feeling like crap, and not trusting myself if I walk past someone with a cigarette -  I'm really having to seclude myself as much as possible.   I sort of wish I was in the mountains right now so I could go out and walk around in the fresh air, and just relax listening to the birds and checking out whatever wildlife might be around, plus I wouldn't have to worry about running into someone with a cig.   So, Friday I hung out on the couch and drank tea most of the day - my throat was feeling a little better, but then late at night it began hurting really bad again.  OK!
After managing to find my little flashlight I went in the bathroom and opened wide and there in my mouth, the back of my throat, the roof of my mouth, the sides, pretty much all over are all these white patches!!!! And my tonque looks like it's about to split open!  Now, I don't think I'm dehydrated - - I have been sweating a lot, but I've been drinking stuff and eating popsicles.   Of course I figure out late Friday night that I've got a riproaring case of thrush going on.  Taking a fluconazole at the start of the 6 days of methylprednisolone kept the thrush at bay for a while I guess, but within 4  days after I finished up the corticosteroid I've got white patches all over my mouth and throat.  And quitting smoking has turned my brain to mush!!! I've been having problems with my throat through this whole process, and well, I started the steroids 2 days after I had my last cigarette.  So I'm not sure how much of my throat problems were caused by the steroids or by the quitting process. 

I have felt really crummy the past two days - I was thinking on Wed & Thursday that I would start feeling better soon - yeah well, maybe if the thrush hadn't kicked in I might have.  And interesting enough, even as bad as my throat hurts, I want a cigarette so bad!!!  Even with the patches I was getting intense cravings, ok - get through the craving, take a breath and there it is again,  and again and again and again.  "They" don't tell you that even tho the cravings only last a couple of minutes, well, if you don't satisfy the craving, it keeps kicking in over, and over and over again and very quickly!!! at least for me it has.  For the fun of it I kept track of how many times these cravings were kicking in Sat am - about 20 times in one hour - and that's after 12 days without a cigarette and off the patch for 6days -
Cleaning out!!!
The closet:   I took ALL of my clothes off the hangers and I'm washing everything - even the hangers - dishwasher works great for washing the hangers!!! Every time I smell the left over scent of cigarettes, -smoked or not -  it makes me want a cigarette so bad.  I did manage to clean most of the walls before my daughter and kids came so the walls aren't too bad.  There are other things, like the blinds that need to be washed - but honestly I can just do so much.  This may be a good reason to start smoking outside long before you try to quit, and then wash everything inside or spray it with the odor eater stuff - then try quitting and limit what you wear and change out of it as soon as you smoke and put it in a plastic bag and keep it apart from your other clothes so you aren't getting everyting smokey again.  Talking about smoking, thinking about it, writing about it, it all makes me want a cigarette - and I don't want a cigarette.  I don't.  the last one I smoked was soooo foul I had to wonder why in the world I smoked!  I sort of think there was something about the Nicoderm patches that made them taste icky because I've never really experienced that before.  Not like that any way. 
I think making myself smoke outside for a while before I tried to quit helped - making myself wait longer and longer every am to smoke the 1st one, I think helps.   I've only eaten one meal in the past 3 weeks!  you know the thing about smoking after you eat - well, I'm almost constantly eating something - but it's not the same as eating a meal - I've been eating good stuff, avocadoes, asparagus, almonds, pistachios (in the shell), grapes, V-8 juice, celery,  fruit juice popsicles,  and recently I added black licorice - now I'm just going to add here that I chose the brand with anise - and if I could find some that are more natural flavoring or natural oils I will get those.  The anise is important here - it helps clear up the airways - DO NOT USE ANISE IF YOU ARE PREGNANT.   you have to talk to a knowledgable herbalist before ingesting much anise or any medicinal herb if you are pregnant. 
I have to jump on my soap box here - in general people should talk to a knowledgable herbalist before taking any herb!!!!! and no, not all the people working at some of the stores  are knowledgable herbalists.   -or at least read up on it in several books -there are some good books out there - if you are going to use herbs in a medicinal way, you need to get several books and read them - There is a reason herbs are used,  they have cause and effect, they also interact with other meds or herbs - some can cause spontainous miscarriages,  some can aid in becoming pregnant, some can help boost your immune system - but you have got to read about what you are taking - talk to a pharmacist, your Dr, but don't just start stuffing herbs down your throat because your friend or co-worker recomended it.  You have to do more than just read the labels on the bottles - they don't list all the contraindications.   BTW - side effects are not the same as being allergic to something. 
Chai tea is really nice and you could add a bit of anise to it too - it doesn't have to be the star anise to get it's benefits. and btw Vitamin Cottage has great prices on their bulk teas and spices!!!!  don't go overboard with the anise - it can dry you out too much - but it does help open up the airways - all of them! but, sucking on the black licorice sticks seems to help curb the cravings to a degree.  About 1/2 teaspoon anise will work for several cups of tea
and my latest "reasoning"
I've been really good, wow - ___ days now, so gee, I think I deserve to have a cigarette - just a couple of puffs - I think I deserve to have at least that - I've been soo good!"
lolololololololololololo
and then I grab a licorice stick and take a few deep breaths - and back to my beading, crocheting or whatever it is I am working on at the moment.
After 40 + years and never making it for more than 24 hours without a cigarette - except when I was in the hospital having a child, or after the motorcycle accident  -  I'm actually pretty proud of my now 13 days without a cigarette - not even one little puff!  I have tried quitting - I don't know - probably at least a dozen times and have never made it more than 1 day without a cigarette!
- I sleep, I don't sleep, nod off, feel like I'm  going to completely relapse with the fibro, feel like I'm over the worst of nicotine withdrawal,  feel like I'm in the middle of the worst of it, I want to cry, I want to laugh,  I want to rip someone's head off,  - doesn't matter who - anyone will do!!! My head hurts. It feels like it's going to go into a major migraine.  My brain feels clearer, it feels foggier, sometimes, it just shuts down. 
My gastric reflux - wow - intense reflux stuff going on! (throat issues)  I want a cigarette, I don't want a cigarette, I don't think about it, I obsess about it - and all of that within a 10 minute time frame - and then replay all of it,  over  and over and over and over again!!!
I've spent a bunch of money on stuff to munch on in the past few weeks - much much more than I would have spent on cigarettes or food for the same time period - and somehow, I haven't actually put on more than a few pounds - I do manage get up now and then and do things and also walk around my apt and to the store about every  2 days.  Smoking is expensive - in many ways - quiting is also expensive - but hopefully that will even out here soon and will be so worth it! Even the the cheapest cigarettes are "expensive"
Someone said it's really just a matter of "determination" - yes and no!!!!.  but, I'll get into that next time - right now, I need to go back to sleep and sometimes that is the only thing that helps me get through these bad cravings -  I just have to  sleep!!!
lolololo it's 6 a.m. and I'm now going to fix myself some asparagus and then sleep for a bit.

I'm still not back to all of my normal web weaving - I have to focus on this - and believe me if I could put myself in a facility that would keep me locked up for about a month -  like a rehab - but for smokers, I would do it! But, I have to just do this - and I have to allow myself a little more time to allow myself to do what I need to get through it - There is a lot that I need to do regarding a lot of things right now, and there are things and places on the www that need attention, but they may have to wait a little longer before I can get back to them - because I have to get through this - because if I don't, I'm not sure that will get see my grandson turn 13 - and I want to see him turn 30 at least!!!  That's only 20 more years - but I want those 20 years and more!!!!!!!  so I'm doing the most selfish thing in the world I've ever done right now - and hopefully everyone will understand!
If you are a former smoker - let me know what helped you quit - and stay quit!  Are you one of those people that consider(ed) cigarettes as a friend??? I find that very interesting - let us know what helped -

wow - it got really long!
Have a wonderful day!


8 comments:

Jenjen @GottaLoveMom said...

Hi Lisianblue,
Quitting is tough! I don't smoke but my 18yo can't seem to quit.
He'll stop for months and then when stress comes back into his life, he turns to smoking again.
It's also tough because his friends work (my son's a musician and goes to Art Institute in CA,and it seems like everyone's smoking!)

My in-laws went to a hypnotist in Boston and they truly believed that it helped!
Something writing about it will make you quit.

Just stay focused, keep your home smoke free and do it one day at a time...hopefully you have someone close to you that can motivate you to stop smoking.

Good-luck...

Aunt Jane said...

Hi Dragon Lady Chris! Yep, I'm baaack. I have been follwing your posts and they are great. You oughta write a book with these posts as memoirs! Your writing is great!

Yes yes yes I am quitting smoking, too. I am using SNUS or Snuz whatever they are called. Little packets of nicotine that you put between your gum and teeth, and Don't chew! After about 10 min. you say- Oh, I dont want a cigarette. Much like the patch, a nicotine delivery system.

You are doing a great job! I love your writing!

Dragon Libra Lady

lisianblue said...

ah Jen - thank you! send your 18 yr old to my blog - see, I've been trying to quit smoking since I was in my early 20's! It's just gotten harder! one day at a time - lo - one second at a time!
writing, talking, thinking about it makes me want to smoke!! so in a way writing about quitting makes it harder, but at the same time I want to write about it. If your son can quit and stay quit for months he's done the hard part!!! maybe he can find other ways to deal w/his stress - walking, running, swimming, playing the drums, painting - the longer you smoke I honestly believe it gets harder to quit.
Thanks for stopping by - and best wishes to you and your family

lisianblue said...

Dragon Lady Libra Jane - it's always so nice to hear from you! It is spring again isn't it!
the funny is - I don't want a cigarette!! my body is just soooo addicted to the nicotine, taking the patch off and going without any nicotine replacement has been hard, but I think I just needed to get the stuff out of my system.
I wish sucess with your quitting smoking!!!
writing - lololo maybe I will!
thank you ladies for your support!

Aunt Jane said...

Hi KRis Dragon Lady-

Thanks! My strategy is to quit running the nicotine through my lungs first. Then I will kick the addiction to the nicotine delivered in another way.

Hey, if you dont mind me asking... how did you make those beautiful mandala kalidescopes!!!!!

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Christine Burgess said...

Hi Lisianblue,
It's been another week since you wrote this post so I will be hoping it is another week without cigarettes. You have done so great, I hope you can finally quit.

Smoking is an addiction, not a bad habit. If you realize that it is an addiction then you will begin to see how difficult it is to quit and don't beat yourself up because the cravings are still there.
There is a book by Alan Carr called "How to Stop Smoking" that is the best I have ever read on this subject. He is a reformed smoker and has a different spin on quitting.
Hugs,
Chris

lisianblue said...

Hi Chris -
Oh I so appreciate you ladies popping in - it's been a rough couple of weeks! I'm going to try to write more later!